| 21.11.2006 |
No Immortal Search of The Wrecked Angle: A Letter To Kingsuk Biswas
A time loop called eternity
Kingsuk aka Bedouin Ascent, purveyor of “dysFunkt!onal_breaks, jazz punk, ambient noise, dub phunk” and all in between, is a musician, artist and now, to his own surprise, a network director. It’s his first real job ever. He wrote to me, voicing his confusion about his situation, at the same time sounding like he was happy to have found a thing that ties him down, a short n honest evaluation of his situation. His mail came in response to a letter I had sent him yonks ago when I surfed by his deserted page (link below, also see link to full article on his activities) and found the website in the exact same state as it was years ago when I got to know him: “A delirium that whispers 'time is not forever'. No Beginning. No Ending. No Center. Just Release.”
In some way it was like travelling in a time capsule, back to the day when we walked London's river banks to go to an arty boat party - I did enjoy every minute, sucking in all the impressions, making this the full-on experience it was. I never knew what to expect. Somehow, this is why I am still doing my job. It doesn't feel like work, it never has. From the pill-loaded days of festival-going to the serene talks I have had with beautiful individuals who inspired me on a large scale, all these years - also filled with a lot of stressful moments when all these airy sentiments were to be delivered in written testaments - passed by and here I am still.
A lot further out, and, at the same time, which is kind of contradictory but true, a lot more connected. It seems as all these contacts sparked off year-long friendships that never seem to wither. Sometimes one does not hear for years what the other's up to only to rediscover another great individual doing their own thing reappearing when the time is right.
Now I guess the time was right for him. Not only to live with another sense of responsibility, which has increased in intensity. I am sure he'd be lynched if he'd be as laissez-faire in his work place as with No Immortals - which might be something that never dies, no matter how much effort he puts into it, nevertheless it's not really living like a being that only has a short life span in which it can make a difference before it's fading like a blip in eternity - so it might be a burden but also something he will profit of as he learns to know something he didn't have to deal with before.
Travelling In Armpits
Even if it's such a brain-twisting experience as reading the Herald in someone's armpit while travelling to work. The world is such a raw place. In some ways, I love it! If I can step aside of course. Or learn how to take it. I feel like I know now what I am writing about which ties in nicely with the theory that one has to experience something to really understand it. So everyone will understand this one, as we al struggle, less or more conscious. I guess one has to take up the challenge to accept responsibility for their own deeds – and the stuff that gets thrown onto us whether we chose it or not. More often than we do actually chose, we do not have a choice, or at least it seems like this so we might as well accept it.
Being here was some kind of challenge I could not escape from. I just jumped into an adventure and got the bill. Big time: and it says... you can't have the good without the ugly so face it all or leave it. As my Yoga teacher would put it, "if your Karma does not allow it", it wasn't supposed to be. A terrible thing: I am a person who can’t take no for an answer no matter how many times I get smacked in the face. Oh, how I did want it supposed to be. I struggled so hard, pushing uphill with a huge load on my back that I didn’t even get to enjoy the view. I saw myself in the mirror sometimes, astonished about my intensity which had nothing soft and dreamy about it. Despite the fact people would comment on my ideas, telling me I’d live in the clouds. Time to come down and tell them the fumes were intoxicating my mind, making me want to fly even higher.
Here I am now, and when I look in the mirror today, I see myself, bruised and worn but with a certain sensation of pride. I have really had a tuff year getting a grasp of a language previously unknown to me, and I had to come to terms with many a trait of my personality I had to say goodbye to as they just would not find acceptance. But whereas I worried I would be ostracized for the stuff that didn’t go down well with the people, I actually found that I got embraced for all the good elements I would bring, vibes from another place, so I did actually find a nice spot here to do myself and others good. I found my centre, a fragile equilibrium, carefully balanced and right now, unchallenged. I need to be stable before I can take off again which, undoubtedly, is part of the grand plan but not important now.
No More Boring
Still doing my writing work, on an extended scale. I work for my old magazine, a group of labels doing press releases, a circle of befriended artists who I supply with texts about their activities as well as personalized accounts on musicians and labels. And then, I am doing a lot of visual art stuff, mainly photography which has become my very own outlet that brings me unlimited joy. It’s not happening without throwbacks, the money always being an issue, but I guess I am learning that there are resources but they are not to be wasted. It’s important to play, but it’s just as important to really work on something that serves me in a righteous way. That leads me to take on the next and the next, not tussling about, dropping things when they challenge me. Some years go I would have said “bore me”. Oh dear.
Okay, so that’s no more boring for me - I even try to apply honesty to myself. Everything I said and did got somehow challenged and revised and the person that’s emerged is a lot more honest about fears and dreams, illusions and disillusions. I guess was time to realize what I am, and what I am not. And although I took a giant step into the direction I had to take it, I am still not there and there are still things to be found out about. I like that, although this recognition comes with certain impatience. It gives me hope that I one day manage to find my voice, my feet, my standing too as I have a strong desire but not the means to give birth to it yet. I feel it might not be unless I really dedicate myself to learn as commited as I had in mind when I knew it was necessary, and to find my "style" without compromise.
I guess this quest continues for the rest of my life, but somehow I feel I can accept this and take it with the highs and the lows that add the colour to the landscape spreading out right in front of me. Every step I take I take with a certain verve although I am also someone who strongly doubts - trying to find the wrecked angle, and thus, wrecking things. I only recently discovered a way to rein these destructive thoughts and now find peace of mind previously unknown. It is not a temporary state but a feeling strong enough to comfort me in dark moments.
Anyway, here we go. This was a self-account I did not expect at all but it just flowed out of me while I was thinking of Kingsuk and his statements about his situation. I am glad to hear he committed himself to something that is bigger than his own initiative. Sometimes, we need to lock ourselves away from personal freedom to really appreciate it. But to be honest, his situation sounds very interesting indeed, I find the way he describes his work very intriguing and would love to hear more about it. Ditto: his trip to India. I will travel with him in my mind. India for me is the country that will never leave me no matter where I go, and I have the suspicion I will return one day to continue something I started a long time ago when I went there. Whatever it is.
The Cradle of Spirit
Maybe it is the same for him. I guess so, or hope so, yes, I hope so, I hope this country is raising the awareness of everyone’s spirituality as I feel this is what India can give to the world on a level uncharted. It is the cradle of the spirit. (I quickly tried to come up with some equivalents for all the other continents: India – cradle of spirit, Africa – womb of soul, Australia – dream of unconscious, Europa – capital of intellect, America – heart of life, Asia – core of sexuality. Maybe…. Mhhh. Anyway.)
When I went to Ohm beach in Karnataka, I fell asleep on a bench next to the busses when I arrived there at four in the morning, pulled into Morpheus’ arms by the strong snoring of the bus drivers. In my dream I encountered an old friend who is an artist. Before I could voice my happiness to see her, she pointed to the sky. Right above us, clouds of stars clustered and dispersed: I watched the universe creating itself, a beautiful voice intonating this divine play as the galaxies formed in front of me in a song as sweet and intense as incense. When I woke up I realized the singing came from the radio one bus driver had tuned into while he brushed his teeth with loud gargling noises and spat out the night’s debris that had gathered in his gorge.
I have not dreamt anything so intense and true ever since. I am sure that the girl on the radio actually sang about the creation of the universe although I will never know. In my fantasy – this all happened many years ago, seven or eight – I ask the bus driver and he reassures me that it was an ancient song about the carnation of infinity. In reality, I believe but cannot recall, I simply wiped my eyes, cleared my throat, gathered my bag and stumbled into the village, a place of pilgrimage where Krishna wedded Parvathi, a lingam falling from the sky to mark this energy centre which has consequently taken the shape of an Ohm. Since then I have learned that I can tune into any language if I listen with an open mind. And I have learned that there are things too big for our tiny minds to grasp if we cannot even understand ourselves and therefore others. Hence my quest.
I am looking forward to hear (music) from Kingsuk again, whenever, whatever, as long as he is on this planet, and me too, I am happy to share thoughts. May the mosquitoes be with him!
Take care y'all.
Link: www.planetkat.com/interviews.php/40 - RL Interview