28.02.2006

How I Learned How To Fly









Good question. Yet to be answered. Quite. I want to have control, to take my life somewhere, to shape it the way I want. Yet this is a very self-centred point of view and probably not very important. I will live anyway, I will live how I was born and how I will die. As me.

Yet it's of no factual importance whether I wrote that book or not. Whether I managed to get the job or not. My story is my story no matter how much I would like it to be something it's not if this is what I desire which I strongly doubt.

So why have desires if all they do is cause frustration? Why have dreams if they lead you astray from what you are, really are.

Who are you, I have been asked by an individual near me, and I have had great difficulty to answer this question. I really don't know. Don't know yet. Does it matter or is this what they call ignorance?

I have some ideas but no real concept of how to answer this question, especially if there is no space for coquetteries.

Who am I? Would not many reply to this question with what they have achieved during their lifespan? A doctor. Maybe. Or maybe they would reply with a statement based on what they have experienced so far. A sceptic, for instance. Or someone who loves to have a laugh.

At the moment, I have no idea how would I reply to this question. All I have to guide me through is trust. I have to let go and fall into space believing that I will fly as there is no other way.

The pain of holding on and the pain of crashing is too unbearable.

The pain I have sitting here without control over the situation I am in as I put my future in the hands of someone else who does not care to handle it and realising I am in pain gives me more pain. Adds to the mountain of pain that will consume me as it will define me the more I live it.

I don't want to be in pain, to crave and cling to escape this cycle for splitseconds that never really seem to last long enough to ease the pain.

If I was asked in this moment of time: Who are you?, and I would reply to this question that I am someone in pain, I would deny myself the ease of being free of burdens like this.

Instead, I would prefer to say: I am about to find out that there is nothing to find out. I am I am. I. Am. I think this should absolutely answer any question. The fact that I can think about this statement for a long time as it gives me endless inspiration as there is no beginning to this and no end gives me deep satisfaction.

Maybe this is the thing I should learn from this little lesson life held in stock for me on that particular day when again nothing of what I had hoped for would come true.

It all doesn't matter. Especially if it gives me pain. I am free. And open. Things come and go.

Here. This was my own little account of how I learned to find out about this. How I learned to fly. I am not scared any longer.


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