01.02.2006 Love Re:Edit |
       And whereas I am thinking that I am actually becoming more aware of many things, I might actually not. Do I really understand what I am doing? What I am in for? I believe: No. What do I know about cause and effect? Am I really in control of my own feelings, or am I not trusting them? Well, this is a story about self-betrayal and at the same time, the display of a playful attitude to explore life at its fullest, with all the positive and negative it enthralls. Am I maturing because I make choices that will affect the rest of my life? All I know is that time is my friend. This world is my friend. And the next one. I will become the self I want to be if I let it happen. I write this. Ergo: I recognise this. It's a long way but never too late to start walking. It's a beautiful journey that is to be enjoyed the fullest. The journey they call life. I am here at some sort of mental crossway. I see myself standing and wondering. I, the girl who never wanted to get married, who never saw any value in "tieing the knot" suddenly realised how much her own words are just useless blurb constructed out of all that was presented to be as standard models and think beliefs. Unless something is to be experienced, this showed me, I should just not have an opinion. Always wait and see yourself. Am I ready for this? I think not, but I already learned from it. I know now what it's all about. I felt it. As always, I was, beforehand, totally centre of my universe which unfortunately did not leave much space to see things from another perspective and in my unawareness, I almost blew it. Is there really someone else to blame for anger and frustration beyond education? For all self-doubt and insecurity? Sometimes I feel it is me who makes me ugly. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, beautiful are those free of concern about it. So look in the mirror and say to yourself: "This is about you and what you learned from this experience." Maybe you would even go that far to recognise there is absolutely no point of falling in love with someone who isn't ready to receive it. But then who knows: The one you want to love might well and truely dream of that one person that he or she will love with all of their heart. So what do we know? We head into messed up excapades with "psycho bitches and assholes". Kat: Maybe it's time for you to admit that you do care, that you do want someone who is - despite living his own life - willing to make him yours just as much as you are his. The commitment thing to something is something that in any frantic capital of the world is frowned upon as there are multiple choices and a lot less space to rest and feel. To have emotions about people. To bond with them beyond sexual encounters. In many ways, people have difficulties to explore the profundity of friendship which is what a relationship can be. However, I have this boy by my side who I judge by my own standards all the time. I think about betrayal, infidelity and emotional withdrawal, I made myself crazy with my own fears... which is only my own imagination! So what do I learn from this? That my relationships are some kind of mirror of my own soul. Before the wedding, we were both terribly nervous. I thought I marry someone for the papers, someone who does not really love me but does it as an act of favour. He thought he marries someone who will hurt him and give him grief and pain beyond the bearable which is why he kept himself covered. We were both right. Were we? But then: the wedding ceremony. All doubts were swept away in the morning as we sang along to Pantera and got on our finest clubbing gear, in a way the nicest clothes we have, both looking pretty dandy. And I was madly in love once more, the one who I met dancing on a table. I think: If you are really looking for someone to give you love and continuity, find someone who loves himself because he loves to live. You can easily judge by the eyes. They spark a joy you will instantly recognise. No danger you mix this up with sexual desire or any of that nice n easy crap. Must have been what I was looking for. Astonishing. Wonders! Well, I could hardly look Emilio in the eyes in the wedding ceremony and I could hardly believe what I saw, I only felt confusion being swept away by security. Maturity is what Emilio called it later. Which he also connected with responsibility. But this is not what I saw. I saw that possibility to relax. And so I did. And sat firmly centered somewhere in this universe. Listening to what the woman who did the ceremony had to say. My own interpretation of all, as the wonderous messages spoken in Spanish transpersed into my conciousness. About friendship. About connection. I felt so proud. I was walking out of the room on clouds, embracing all those who were witnesses of my baptism. Emilio was there right next to me, and we kissed, almost shy, the lips of the other. In disbelief. What did just happen? We ended up in TGI Fridays, just the two of us, after rice showering my hair which I swung around headbanging as I left the registro civil. Could not help it, in me awoke again this spirit that I sometimes completely forget about, the one of total freedom and harmony with me and the world, the blissed out ecstasy of total acceptance of myself and the ones around me. And I am a wildchild who likes a bit of a show. Why not? I do it just for me so it's fine. As long as no one is offended :) The smiling sun was shining from a blue sky sprinkled with white clouds. Like the Argentinean flag. And there was this red book they gave me which I belived were my preliminary papers to live long and prosper in this beautiful country Argentina. In fact this was why I am smiling even more on some of the wedding shots. We did not even think about asking someone to bring a camera but Erica, the girlfriend of one of the testimonies did, and rice. She wants a wedding all in white and watched wide-eyed as we ditched the conventions big time. But hey, this was our matrimonial document, with all the laws and enough space to register our 12 children. We were in a tranced out state, smiling at each other wide eyed. What was this all about? "What is this all about?" The question catches me totally offguard a day and ahalf later as I lie on the bed, Emilio holding me in his arms. Asking me this. He wants to know. I reply as honest as I can, with all the deepness this question implies. I strip it all, lie bare. All my emotions made visible in all colours, all doubts left aside. This question was not about doubts, and in fact, right now I don't have any. Emilio's eyes resting on me with that expression of deep wonder and concentration. What he sees is what there is. It's magic. I say it. I said it before. But now I feel it. Saying it does not mean anything if you act like you don't. He stayed near to wait for this moment. But now, what have we got? The why. I want to ask him the same question but he is not the one to talk about his feelings. He does not give anything away. I don't care. I can only speak for myself. So he does not say anything but I start to feel he is true. I start to feel stuff. Maybe this is why I stayed calm and left it. We are so close right now, I never was so close to anyone. He feels me breathe and it makes him happy. He pulls me even tighter. Smells me. This is all I ever wanted. It's a moment of intimacy that goes beyond of what I know. It never lasts. Moments of clarity are overshadowed with bouts of insanity. Why do we want things? To cover up our own insufficiencies. Why do we actually waste so much energy on constructing a reality beased on fear, doubt, destruction, anger and frustration with other people instead of sorting out our own shit? This is like bombing Irak instead of paying the world debt. Are we blind to actions because we want to hear the usual bullshit, the useless banter of people "promising" or "trying"??? I'd rather not anymore, I've been on that trip myself long enough and I just can't be arsed anymore to waste time on things I already destroy before they start. How long this will last no one knows. They say it's for a life time, and if it prevails, it may well be. If not, it's easy to move on. In the ceremony they said this is part of the contract we have with each other. We ensure the spiritual growth of the other, if not with, then without. I feel this is pretty sound. I feel this is just. Just what I am feeling. It's a very grown up way of seeing things. After years of watching and feeling that the immature way of how our society treats love and sensing that this is not what I am longing for, I now know that there are people who understand that there is more to this all. And in some way I am now a part of it which makes me lot more peaceful than I was before. There is no need to act out anything I don't feel, embody, represent. Only my own vision of it. But it takes a lot of maturity to accept things how they are. But at the same time, it offers peace as I can't change the course of things. If something is going away, feelings or people, I have no power over it to change it. I can't force things. It is often thought, especially connected with love, that we can, but we can't. But the acceptance of this sets me free. Okay. This said, it's easy to regress. A relationship is a carefully balanced thing. There will be lot of outside blows and brushes that could easily turbulence that carefully achieved equilibrium. People could enter the room or interests shift. At the moment we are united by some dreams. Maybe one day we will travel, his horizon widened just as much as mine by being with someone from another continent. Maybe we can make music together as I know we can connect on this level. Who knows what will happen. In some way, many things. Maybe nothing. If we don't grow in this relationship, we both won't hold on. We want to move stuff. I really feel this is part of our connection too. Life is so short and it's so easy to give in to the misery of it. But it feels so good when it's worth the struggle... Yeah, right... "The basis of optimism is sheer terror", says good old Oscar Wilde (in the fabulous Picture Of Dorian Grey). Maybe that's because "the truth is rarely pure and never simple."    |
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