23.04.2005

Amor No Existe







Currently wondering what to do. I could stay here and work, and then go back to the house and work more, or I could hook up with Raul because he and his fisher men friends want to set off to the island to go fishing, asado (the typical Argentinean BBQ that kicks off anywhere at any time if people are up for it; just like drinking mate) included. But maybe itīs not such a good idea. Raul is talking lots (of shit), one time he suggests we run off to China together, and the next time he wants to cook a three course dinner. The story is (apparently) that he used to be a chef in the naval air force.

Just walked Emilio to the train station, we do this every morning--it gives me a nice feeling and calmness to kiss him goodbye and dive into the day. We are really fond of each other. Mmmh. Actually, itís more than that. I am scared to admit to anyone including myself that I really am in love with him. I feel like it shouldnít be, it couldnít be, because vast amounts of my heart are still taken up by Ben. But I also feel that the general opinion of how relationships should work doesnít really coincide with how I work. I love to love, and I would like to say I feel this concept is actually very natural. Who says you can only love one person at one time? I bet the church and the governments have lots to do with the picture that everyone seems to have in their heads. I canít say that there is something wrong with only loving one person or one after the other, but who actually sets the rules for what kind of love you have to feel? And when? Isnít love something natural that comes and goes? Should we control our feelings because we have to? Or is it out of respect for others that donít feel the same say we suppress whatís really going on inside of us?

And what exactly is right and wrong when you feel love for many people at the same time? I love my friends, I love my relatives, I love my men. I guess I love everyone, and the sunshine too. I guess I am really loved up. I canít deny it. Walking around feeling shit hot half of the time. And the other moments are reserved for deep serenity. Oscillating between extremities is exiting but also something which I want to balance out because itís too much for even myself to handle sometimes.

But even though everything is at stake because things come and go and feelings change: I like Emilio lots. He is a person who diagonally reflects my moods, and when I am offloading bad vibes, they will ricochet back at me and not be swallowed. Realising this was like looking in the mirror and recognising your features for the first time. It has helped me loads to come to terms with some of my darker sides: I don't want the horror of my aggressions in my, in anyone's life anymore. Itís hard for me to admit to all the negativity as I am generally very positive and donít like to dwell on darkness, but there it was, and I had to face it. To let go.

Emilio is very soft, and the way we deal with each other and talk is very inspiring. The unknown and the possibilities of such a no-commitment relationship appeal to me. He is a Libra too which makes it really easy for me to understand him sometimes, but sometimes, when there is a misunderstanding, we can both feel the negative vibrations in the air but have problems expressing ourselves in a language the other one can understand. Sometimes I realise I donít understand myself. How can someone else understand me then?

I can look into his eyes for ever, and I see someone in there I like a lot. Itís like I have known him for a long time. This might be partly down to the fact some of his features remind me of my first friend in this world, a ginger boy called Jens who was my playmate from year zero. Itís also partly down to the joy and happiness I can see gleaming in there, and this is something I feel deep inside of me. When I hugged Emilio when we were on that lake in the Andes with no human being in a million miles, only us, I felt that this has happened a million times before, itís like this since the beginning of time. A man and a woman, different but one.

These are the moments when I completely stop thinking about anything, the moments I am the most me with no strings attached, and the way we correspond on this level is simply beautiful. I am glad I can experience something like this relationship, but I am also glad I can walk out of this because there is no eternity contract that will threaten my freedom of all possibilities. In this case, it really is, literally, about good vibrations, and not about images in heads, clichťs, needs, necessities and isms.




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