22.05.2005

Money’s Too Tight To Mention








Anyway, yeah, I am fine now. Kinda the usual headless and breathless Kat. Sometimes, I am actually quite grown up, haha. No really. I am currently thinking about my future prospects, my possibilities here, and they are limited due to the fact I am paying myself this tiny salary out of my hard earned savings. I want to keep my money together so I don't have to work business shitty work. I want time to breathe and think and not worry about finding some way to boost my income. But on the long run this won't work. I found another photography teacher who is really good, and I want to attend his workshops. They are not expensive, but for someone who lives off virtually nothing, this becomes an issue. Unfortunately. I guess it's boring to read about someone's monetary situation, especially if you don't know me... How are you guys doing mula wise? I guess you all know what it's like to be tight, and what it’s like to hassle your mates to lend you a fiver for some chip butties. But we all know there is no means to an end, and this is the real pain in the arse. Argh. It's sad to be middle class, you have luxury desires but no way to live it. You lack of the inventive survival skills of the totally desperate so all that you have left to resort to is dissatisfaction with your situation and a lot of unquenched thirst for the impossible which could lave you bitter and dry. I don't think this is the life for me--I'd prefer a bohemian take à la "who needs it all anyway" but I know this is just fakie. As soon as someone is waving the carrot of possibilities at me, I will be up on my back legs wimpering for more. Well, maybe. I actually want to be an artist before my career is climaxing when I am finally being a celebrated old people's home DJ, so I guess it all doesn't matter. Enough of this blurb... I am not really intellectual at the moment though, mind. I am just living it, at the same time, I am not really busy doing anything but waving about, from the high up hysteria of exitement to the deep low of complete despair when I realise I don't really understand the language well enough to be a good sport at business parties like this week's Agentinean advertisement award thingy where I resorted to drinking... Not much though, I don't like being drunk. Makes it even worse -- communicating, I mean. With Emilio it's ups and downs too. Every time it goes really well, we piss each other off and afterwards, when we know why this happened, we are even more careful and reserved but also more intimous. Like a cat and a dog who really took a fancy but cannot really behave like they normally would because they already learned the hard way it's all claws not paws when you take a wrong step. Argh. Never mind though. I love to love. It's all peanuts. And I guess a lot of this stress is down to the fact I am trying to find my feet so I am not a very centered self. Only one thing always balances me out (apart from writing, but this sometimes becomes too self conscious too because everything is at stakes, being reflected): music. But sometimes, even this doesn’t do the trick, then I am resorting to photography. Anyway, gotta shoot now... Wanna write some more stuff and hacking away is joyful but I need to make monedas. I actually like heavy metal too I just realise. Wonders will never cease.



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